Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Gluteus Maximus to the Max

At first I thought it was a joke. In hospitals, nurses say that an increasing number of Americans have butts so big and fat that standard needles for giving shots aren’t long enough to give proper dosages of medicine.

The newspaper columnist who wrote about it focused on how “terribly complicated” it is as an issue and how it “crosses a myriad of sociocultural lines.”


Well, yes, our nation’s prodigious posteriors got that way because of . . .

  • Too much unhealthy food and too much laziness.
  • Too much I’m-a-victim thinking.
  • A lack of self-control.
  • A lack of exercise.
  • A lack of decent health education.
  • A lousy upbringing.
  • Garbage-food corporate marketing.
  • Sedentary TV-addicted lifestyles
  • Pain-avoidance mechanisms.
  • Waiting for the pharmaceutical companies to invent a magic pill.

. . . plus — and here it comes — Americans, the columnist says, eat like hogs because: “We are living in a culture that thrives in war and governmental lies and acidic pseudo-Christian ideologies that most of us know, on a deeper, karmic level , are pure poison.”

I just knew it! It is the war that is making me fat, along with those "acidic pseudo-Christian ideologies." How can I be expected to control myself?

Well, try this:

"If you are fat, and you don’t want to be fat, the first thing you have to do is decide that you are not going to be fat anymore. That's the key to your success in this game." –Matt Furey

Ah, but that’s far too simplistic to solve such a complex issue.

No, it’s not. Unless you want to stay fat.

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